5 Years ~ 1826 Days

5 years ~1826 days

 

There is a heaviness in my heart as this day is here again.

 

No matter how much time passes there is still a sense of yesterday and forever that rolls into one.

 

I trace my fingers over your things in your bedroom. I pick up your hat and hold it close to my chest, hoping to feel you again. I go through your clothes, drawing them close, hoping to smell you one last time, knowing that time has taken this from me too.

 

I search for moments of you everywhere, Jack.

 

I wait patiently for you to turn the headlamp on your helmet on like you’ve done before.

 

I wait for all your little signs to let me know you’re still with us.

 

I can faintly smell your deodorant that lingers in the air, as I watch Molly lay on your bed with a sadness in her eyes.

 

5 years of watching life around me move forward while I still struggle to breathe without you.

 

5 years of hearing the words ‘strong and strength’ echo through my mind as memories play over and over on a loop and I can’t stomach it.

 

I can’t stomach those two words.

 

It’s not strength that gets me out of bed every morning.

 

It’s not strength that makes me take my next breath.

 

It’s not strength the reason I’m still here, it’s love.

 

It’s the love I have for you, my beautiful boy.

 

You push me to keep going when all I want to do is give up.

 

Your love and signs carry me through my darkest of moments when silently I wish my heart would stop beating so this torture will end.

 

Your love is what saves me over and over.

I miss you my beautiful boy, I couldn’t miss you more if I tried, yet I know when tomorrow comes I’ll miss you even more.

 

Jack, I will spend the rest of my life searching for moments of you. I hope with all my heart you are happy.

 

You have my heart my darling boy and there is nowhere you could go that I won’t be with you.