Grief, a rollercoaster that never ends
15 July 2022
The house is quiet. Sleep evades me yet again; it has been for some time now, and I’m exhausted.
I am forgetting to breathe; I am forgetting to take a moment to sit with myself. Simmering away just under the surface are all the emotions I am trying desperately to push to the side because I just can’t deal with the wrath of grief again.
There’s a lot going on inside that no one can see. I’m glad they can’t, it’s not nice, it’s horrific and something that no one should be tormented by.
Today is my Dad and Niece’s birthday.
It’s such a special day yet I long for the time when all my family were earth side to celebrate together. My brother and my beautiful Jack aren’t here to celebrate my Dad turning 72 and Miss I turning 9. It’s bittersweet. Every occasion filled with happiness and beautiful memories are always tinged with sadness. I constantly yearn for life to be how it should be, not for what it has been for the past 6 years.
It’s the little moments when I’m with my nieces and nephews my mind always wanders to Jack.
I notice the moments my nephew is talking to me, engrossed in conversation he’s looking at me, while he’s playing and touching my ring, my precious ring that holds my beautiful boy’s ashes. He knows how special my ring is and he knows that there’s a little bit of Jack in there and yet he plays with it and always wants to hold it. When he hugs me or lays with me on the lounge, he stops playing with my ring and holds and looks at my pendant that has Jack’s beautiful hand prints so delicately engraved on it. This little soul has been here before. The empathy he has is simply beautiful.
Day’s like today always make me wonder what their lives would be like if Jack was still earth side. There’d be lots of laughing, lots of tears from him stirring them up but there’d be lots of fishing, lots of kicking the footy and lots of big cousin stories and adventures. Something I can only imagine.
I miss my beautiful boy with the beautiful blue eyes who always made me feel safe. I miss his cuddles, I miss his J jokes, I miss his laugh, I miss his beautiful big smile, I miss his loud music, I miss his smell and I really miss hearing him call me Mum. He is my home.
This is my grief, day in day out.
Yearning for the past, wondering and imagining a life with Jack still here. Pushing feelings to the side just to get through each moment of the day even when all I want to do is go to sleep and never wake up.
If I’m lucky enough to get some sleep tonight, I hope Jack comes to me in my dreams. Sometimes I see him…… and for a fleeting moment life is how it should be. Jack’s cuddling me as he always did and he says “Hey Mum” long enough for me to breathe him in…… but then I wake, tears run down my face and my nightmare begins all over again.
A rollercoaster ride that never ends.
Happy birthday Dad and Miss I, I love you both with all my heart xx