I remember every moment of today

Today, 28th April, 4 years ago, I saw, touched and kissed my beautiful boy’s face for the very last time.

I remember the moment the funeral director’s car pulled into our driveway. I remember watching as Jack’s coffin was carefully taken from the back of the hearse. I remember holding my breath as I fought back my tears watching as they wheeled my beautiful boy towards our front door. It was at this moment I realised I wasn’t ever going to wake up from this nightmare.

Tears streamed down my face as I held Jack’s hand and kissed his forehead. I couldn’t stop kissing him. I wanted to stop time right there, so I could keep him at home forever, but time went so fast.

I tortured myself when it was time to say goodbye. I watched them as they placed the lid on Jack’s coffin. I wanted to turn away, but I couldn’t. I needed him to know he was not alone.

I watched with a broken heart, as my beautiful boy left our home for the very last time.

I spent the next 45 minutes following Jack to his funeral. 45 minutes of looking at my beautiful boy’s coffin, picturing him lying there, not knowing if I would be able to survive the next part of his journey. How could I possibly survive this?

I watched as Jack was taken through the guard of honour and watched as his mates carried him inside the chapel.

I listened to the stories and memories people shared. I watched the slideshow of photos from my beautiful boy’s 18 years of life on the screen in front of me. I watched as my 11-year-old daughter’s heart broke and I cried a million tears as I watched my beautiful boy’s coffin roll through the curtain, never to be seen again.

I remember every moment vividly.

We will remember every moment vividly for the rest of our lives.

People assume that as time goes by the rawness of grief subsides and life returns to normal……. for them it does.

People assume that the moment we learn to smile again, our pain has gone……it hasn’t, inside we are barely breathing.

As time goes by we just get better at hiding our grief.

I will love and miss you for the rest of my life Jack.

There is nowhere you could go that I won’t be with you.