The heaviness in my heart

The heaviness in my heart today is immeasurable.

The anxiety leading up to this day has been overwhelming and it doesn’t matter how many years have passed, it’s the same every year.

Today my beautiful Jack would be 23.

There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think of what he’d be doing with his life but today those thoughts are constantly rolling through my sleep deprived mind.

What would he look like now? How tall would he be? Would he have finally grown a beard?

My heart hurts for everything that’s been taken from him.

I sit and look through photos and as I trace my fingers over Jack’s beautiful face and his big beautiful smile, I remember every piece of clothing he wore, and every birthday present we bought him like it was yesterday.

I stand at our front door and look at his ute parked out the front and can still see him sitting in his front seat. I can still hear the music blaring from his stereo, and I can still hear him telling me to wait til the bass drops and that I’d like the next song better.

Then, I’m taken back to the moment I went into labour with him. I remember the moment he took his first breath, the first time he cried, and I will always remember the first time I held him in my arms. My beautiful little boy with the cutest little webbed toes made me complete.

My memories are so very precious.

I’ll spend most of the day crying, that’s just a normal day now, but through all the tears I’ll smile as I remember the amazing young man I raised and the beautiful 18 years I got to spend with him.

To my beautiful Jacky Boy,

You’ve left an incredible mark on this world and I am so proud of you. I hope you get the balloons we’re sending you today. I hope you feel our love as we sing Happy Birthday to you and cut your cake and I know you’ll be there helping Tayla and your little cousins blow your candles out.

I love you

I miss you

I need you

But there is nowhere you could go that I won’t be with you. Wherever you are my beautiful boy, I hope with all my heart you are happy.

Happy birthday in the stars above

I love you Jack,

Love Mum x