You would have been 26

Eight birthdays have passed without him, and it’s a day I’ll never get used to.

As a parent who’s lost a child, the absence of Jack is something I’ll never fully get used to. Each year, his birthday brings back the most beautiful memories, yet the pain, the heartache, and the deep longing for him remain with me.

Yesterday on my flight home, it took all my strength not to break down in tears. It was the first time I’ve been away from home on Jack’s birthday. God it was hard.

Every day, my mind is flooded with thoughts of Jack but the whole flight home I kept picturing what Jack might look like now. As I looked at photos of his friends and their lives, my mind wandered to places I try to avoid—the painful questions. Would Jack be married now? Would he be a Dad? Would he have his own home?

Would he finally have grown his beard he desperately tried to grow? These are questions I’ll never have answers to.

Living in the present moment after enduring such immense grief can be so difficult. Those who have experienced it know all too well how quickly life can change. It’s something we often take for granted.

Recently, I chose to live in the moment. I booked a ticket to Rome and joined my Mum and daughter on the tail end of their European holiday. Boy did this surprise so many people. Some questioned the cost, some asked why, and others were so surprised and shocked but so happy for me. A dear friend said, “I’m so proud of you.” To hear those words meant so much to me.

As I was driving to the airport, I knew I was exactly where I was meant to be. The song “Jack and Diane” by John Cougar Mellencamp came on the radio, and as it played, a car overtook us with the number plate JACK111—clear signs from my beautiful boy. Then, while boarding the long flight home from Dubai yesterday on Jack’s birthday, a man stepped in front of Mum, Tay and I wearing a shirt with the logo, “Jack of all trades.” It was another special sign from my beautiful boy on his birthday.

The quote “live in the moment” is something we hear often, but it can be so hard to do when weighed down by grief. Grief changes everything.

I’m surviving the devastating loss of both my son and my brother, and I knew the chance to travel with both my Mum and daughter in Europe might not come again so I grabbed the opportunity and off I went.

To everyone reading this post, no matter where you are in life, when an opportunity comes along that may not come again, I urge you to take it. If you choose to tell me, I will be the person who says “I’m so happy for you and I’m so proud of you”.

Live in the moment, because tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us.

Jack, there is nowhere you can go that I won’t be with you mate.

Happy heavenly birthday in the stars above my beautiful boy. I love you and miss you with every beat of my heart.

Love Mum x